Don't Believe the Hype

I can tell you from personal experience that you will never get anywhere by telling yourself that you suck.  Shihan says you shouldn't put yourself down, because it gives other people permission to do the same, but I think that having a low self worth is more detrimental than worrying about what others think of you.  One of the quickest ways to fail at something is to convince yourself you can't do it, before you even try. 

Since I started at the dojo (and throughout my life, really), I've had a pattern of telling myself that I couldn't do things.  I told myself that I would fail, that I wasn't good enough.  When I started training, my instructors tried to convince me that the true learning wasn't in the succeeding, it was in the trying, but I never felt as though I honored them, because I wasn't worthy.  I've never been as good as I think I should be.

If I had a dollar for every time I told myself (or someone else) that I sucked at martial arts, I could start my own dojo (but I would not recommend anyone train there, the teacher sucks! ;).  Putting myself down wasn't doing me any good, and it sure wasn't instilling any confidence in the people I was supposed to teach.  Also, before most of my competitions, I told myself that I was going to lose, and lo and behold, I usually lost! 

Then my Jiu-Jitsu instructor Amy told me that the reason I sucked was because I thought I sucked, and from then on I wasn't allowed to say that I sucked anymore, I was only supposed to say I'm Awesome.  I didn't really believe it (I was just trying to go along with her).  Oddly enough, it still worked.  When I stopped focusing on how much I thought I sucked, I actually got better, and when I stopped telling other people how much I thought I sucked, they started respecting me more.  Conan once said "If you keep telling people you suck, they're going to believe you."

The truth is, I still pretty much think I suck, but you didn't hear Muhammad Ali going around saying "I am not now, nor will I ever be, the greatest!"  When I say things on this blog like "I will not lose!", or "I am so hot, in my skills there be propane!", I don't really believe that shit, it's false bravado.  It is intended for the purpose of counteracting my own natural tendency to be negative towards myself.  Since I don't have a hype-man, Ginger has to do it for me.

At home I am a nice guy: but I don't want the world to know. Humble people, I've found, don't get very far." -Muhammad Ali

Ego

A couple of years ago my Jiu-Jitsu instructor Conan wrote a post on The Jiu-Jitsu Fighter blog called "Leaving your ego on the edge of the mat", in which he talked about a student who had told him they'd finally submitted someone they had never been able to tap out before, but they weren't sure how to feel about it, because of the whole ego thing.  The student wanted to be excited about their progress, but they felt bad because someone else had to lose in order for them to win, and they felt as though it was wrong to be happy about beating them.  I know exactly what that student was thinking and feeling, because the student was me.  I was the unnamed person that Conan wrote about in that post.

He basically said that you need some degree of ego in order to train Jiu-Jitsu, and that there is nothing wrong with celebrating your successes, as long as it's not about beating someone else, but an acknowledgment of your improvement.  Whether we can submit someone, or protect ourselves from being submitted, are measures of our progress in Jiu-Jitsu.  When I now say that I can tap out many of the new students, it's not about me thinking I am better than anyone, but me realizing how far I have come.  I spent my first couple of years being tapped out by pretty much everyone, all of the time.  Even after I first got my blue belt, some new students could still submit me on their very first day.

Yeah, I can finally tap out white belts who don't know anything, but give them six months of training, and they will most likely be submitting me.  I have to take my successes where I can get them, because they are few and far between, and otherwise I will be crushed under the weight of my own insecurity.  I know without question that I could easily submit the person I was a year ago, and that is really the only victory that matters to me.  That's the only person I am truly happy to beat.

I Don't Care Anymore

As I was struggling to figure out how to handle it when new students don't listen to me in Jiu-Jitsu class, I sought guidance from a few different sources.  Each person gave me something different to think about, and all of their advice was helpful in some way.  One of them said I should just refuse to work with students who are rude to me, but that is difficult to do in a small school (especially without everyone wondering why, and I don't want to draw attention to it).  Another person gave me some tips on how to talk to these type of students.  They said if someone keeps insisting I'm not doing something right (when I know that I am), I should politely say something to the effect of  "Just do it like I say for right now."  Another person told me I need to shut down this kind of behavior right away, or else people will walk all over me.  Yeah, story of my life.

However, their advice didn't really seem to help me deal with the emotional toll.  All of the people I asked about the issue are pretty self-confident, so I don't think they have the same kind of problems.  Then after I blogged about it, someone who seemed to understand where I was coming from, someone from halfway around the world, left a response that changed the way I was looking at the situation.  The first part of Keith's comment dealt with the idea "If it is painful, do it more often", which is a concept I already understand and employ, but the second part really hit the right button:

"I'm similar to you, if someone asks me something, or if I have to explain something, I can become incoherent. So I try to watch what other people do to explain things on the fly, come up with what I should of said, and take opportunities to explain things....and quite often I still suck. but that's ok.

Not everyone has to respect you either, in fact, sometimes that's a good thing, keeps you on your toes. Even if it is frustrating. Its a good lesson in taking your ego out of it, and relying on your own sense of self and confidence, and be at peace with it."

After reading that comment I realized a big part of my problem is that while my ego is okay with me thinking that I suck, it doesn't like it when other people do.  The fact is, there will probably always be some disrespectful people who think I don't know anything, and I can't let that bother me.  I do have faith in my own abilities, and "I know what I know, if you know what I mean."  

I am a blue belt, and I know what I should at my level (or else my teacher would not have promoted me).  I'm not always right, and I make mistakes (but so does most everyone else).  I'm not a fast learner, and I have no problem taking direction from a junior who understands a technique better than I do (as long as they are polite about it).  I don't know the names of everything, and I can't always explain well (but I can execute).  I suck at teaching, and that might never change (but that's okay).

The white belts who don't think I know what I'm doing should ask themselves why a 43 year-old, 120 pound woman can submit most of the new students when we roll.  If they don't want to believe in me, or if they simply don't like me, I really don't care anymore.

The Weakest Link

Shihan says if something isn't fun, don't do it, and Jiu-Jitsu hasn't been very much fun for me lately.  I still love it as much as I ever did, but I don't love going to class right now.  I'm starting to think it's possible that I'm too much of an introvert, and I don't have enough of an ego to train Jiu-Jitsu.  I believe you need a great deal of self-confidence to survive in the long term, and I do not have much at all.

Even when I am confident in what I'm doing, I don't come across that way.  Since I am so uncomfortable talking to and interacting with people, I get nervous, and I have a hard time remembering and explaining things, especially to people I don't know very well.  This leads to some new students thinking that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, and therefore not respecting me.  Then I have to waste half of my drilling time trying to convince them I am correct, and even when our teacher tells them that I'm right, it doesn't seem to help.

Most of the students do respect my knowledge, but the few who don't are really killing it for me.  It's bad enough that I already think I'm the weakest link in our Jiu-Jitsu chain, and now I'm starting to feel like more of a liability than an asset.  It's crushing my spirit. I just want to feel like I belong there, that I deserve to be there, and I don't want to be judged against a standard I have no hope of ever attaining.  I will probably never be a good teacher, but that doesn't mean I have nothing to offer.

When I say that training Jiu-Jitsu is outside of my comfort zone, I don't think most people truly understand how much.  For several years before I started at the dojo, I was borderline agoraphobic, and I only left my house and interacted with people when it was absolutely necessary.  Some days I still have panic attacks before I go to class.  Even writing this blog is a huge deal for me.  It's hard enough for me to put myself out there, and to interact so closely with other human beings, without feeling as though some of them don't want me around.

Good enough

One day in Karate class Shihan was having us do kata individually for him, and he was nit-picking.  My daughter had recently received her black belt, and when it was her turn she became visibly frustrated over the constant correction, so Shihan told her to stop for a moment, and he said "Skyler, it will never be good enough.  No matter how well you do the kata, I will always find something wrong with it.  That's what keeps us improving." 

That is an attitude which all martial artists should strive to maintain.  Perfection may not attainable, but it is still the goal.  Without constantly striving to do our best, it's easy to fall into being satisfied with "good enough", and so we stop moving forward.  I believe the human ego has a tendency to allow us to rest on our laurels when we feel as though we know something with a degree of proficiency, because then our ego has something with which to maintain it's hold.   To then have someone like Shihan tell you that it's still not acceptable, it's still not perfect--and that it never will be--is a hard thing for many people to deal with.  Shihan regularly corrects senior students who have been training for thirty years, and he says of himself that as long as he is alive he is a master of nothing, because there is always more to learn.

A couple of years ago, Shihan asked Skyler and I to paint a phrase on the dojo wall near the mats, and I often notice it when I am in Jiu-Jitsu class. "Is that the best you can do?"  Even if you think so, Shihan might not!

Martial arts training can teach you much more than just how to fight, if you are open to the lessons.  Learning how to deal with criticism, and how to always strive to improve, are just a couple of them.  Some of my Sensei have called me a perfectionist, but I am just trying to embody the spirit I have been taught.  I know I can never be perfect, but I will also never be "good enough".

The Secret of my Success

I don't often write about the specifics of my rolling, because talking about all the details bores me, and I don't always remember them. When I do write about open mat, I'm much more likely to talk about my failures than successes. One of the reasons for this is that I'm generally more focused on the negative (so I can correct myself!), but another reason is because although I try to come across as all mean, I'm actually a big softie (which sickens me! ;). Don't get me wrong, I have no problem kicking ass and taking names, I just don't want to reveal those names publicly. Since most of my rolling "successes" (read: submissions) happen against white belts, I don't want to write about them for fear of making people feel bad, or discouraging them.

I don't actually believe that most of the students who I train with read my blog, but we are a small school, and on the off-chance that someone might hear that I wrote about tapping them out, I'm afraid it might embarrass them, particularly if they are new. The SOB once joked about it, but I don't want people to be reluctant to roll with me because they're afraid I'm going to talk about how much more awesome I am than they are! Even if I used nicknames, it probably wouldn't be too hard for people to figure out who I was talking about. Maybe I'm being too sensitive about it, but I don't want to hurt feelings.

Lately I've been rolling with a lot of purple and black belts (so the only one tapping out has been me ;). The last time I rolled with Conan, at one point he asked "Are you trying to submit me?", and I answered "No, I gave up on that a long time ago, now I just try to survive." To me, surviving for over ten minutes against Conan seems like a greater success than tapping out a white belt. I have never been able to make it through a roll with him without eventually being submitted (except for one time when I caught him slipping). Someday I hope to prevent it long enough so that we will run out of time! When I do, you can bet I will write about it "Woohoo, Conan didn't tap me out today! Who's awesome? I'm awesome!" If I ever actually succeed in submitting Conan (for reals, and not because he's taking it easy on me ;) I know he would not mind me writing about it. As a matter of fact, no one would probably be happier for me than he would. I don't think you can make it to black belt without conquering your ego.

Last week I accidentally hit one of the new white belts in the face, and of course I said "I'm sorry!", to which he replied "It's okay, if I can't take a punch to the face, I'm probably in the wrong place." I suppose the same holds true in regards to them being submitted by me; if they can't take it, then they are probably in the wrong place. However, I still want to be careful when I talk about it, because every "success" for me is a "failure" for someone else, and many new students have a hard enough time as it is, without me telling the internet all about how I destroyed them!

Since I mentioned The SOB earlier, I thought I would clarify that I don't care about his feelings, the only reason I have not yet written a post about submitting him is because I have not yet been able to submit him. However, he has also not triangled me since the day I wrote that post...oh, but not for lack of trying! He even tried to triangle me today, but I was like "Oh no you didn't!" So, I also consider that to be one of my greatest successes. Even though he's tapped me out with a bunch of other chokes, he can't triangle me anymore, and that feels like a great victory. It's all in how you look at it.

Wall of Ego

I'm sure most people who train Jiu-Jitsu have heard "leave your ego on the side of the mat", but I'm not sure everyone understands the reasons why they are told this.  It's not just about being respectful and taking care of your partner, or about being humble.  You do need some degree of ego to train martial arts.  One of Roseberry's Notions for Training is "Do not be too proud or too modest", but an inability to keep that ego in check can negatively affect your training.

One of the ways your ego can hold you back is during open mat.  It can hinder your growth if you are more concerned with "winning" than with "learning".  You will probably find a couple things that work for you, and then just keep doing them over and over instead of attempting to grow.  You will be more likely to try to tap people out with the subs you know work for you, rather than trying to incorporate new techniques into your game.  This is the way you should grapple when you are at a tournament, but contrary to popular belief, open mat is not a competition.  It's supposed to be a time to experiment and take risks.  The purpose of open mat is to help each other, and ourselves, learn to be the best we can be.  I like the way Rollo stated it in one of his posts "No teacher will ever pull a trophy or medal out of their display case and hand it to you in class for tapping someone out."

I've had to deal with this particular ego issue myself.  Since my submission success percentage rate is so small to begin with (because open mat is almost never a fair fight for me), I would find myself just sticking to the things I have the most success with, in an effort to tap at least ONE person out that day (or week, or month).   Then I realized that I had plateaued because of it, so now when I grapple with people who I know I can submit with a certain technique, I will tell myself that I am not allowed to use it during our roll.  Instead of going for the things that are the easiest for me, I've started working more on all the things I don't do as well.  This means I'm tapping even less people out, but I am learning SO much more. I'm glad I broke through that wall.

Loser Like Me

I guess it's a good thing that I'm okay with losing, because I seem to be pretty good at it. I think it's obvious that I am competing for the learning and growth, and not for the win and the glory, because I keep losing, yet I still keep competing. I'm doing it to get better, not to prove how great I already am. I'm doing it to represent and inspire women in jiu-jitsu, not to gain some kind of personal validation.

It's still a hard thing to continually bear. It's difficult to not get down on yourself after suffering repeated losses. It isn't easy to not let it get to you, to not let a loss define you. It would be easy to give up, to stop competing, and therefore stop getting my ego kicked in the face all the time. But I will not quit, I will not stop trying to improve, I will not let my losses stand in the way of my goals.

Just as you should not let your wins affect your ego, and go around thinking that you are The Shit, you should not let your losses make you think that you are shit. In both cases, you are not. There is always going to be someone who is better than you, and someone who is worse. On any given day and time you could be either one, and when it comes to your training, it doesn't really matter which one you are. As long as the person you are really competing with is yourself, and you remember that the temporary thrill of victory is nothing compared to the long-term knowledge that you can gain from simply trying.

Winning is fun, but it's not the most important thing you have to gain from competing, and it shouldn't be your only benchmark of success. To compete and lose is a far more honorable and valuable thing than to not compete at all.

You're No Good

A friend and fellow martial artist once told me that although he appreciates the art, he doesn't like training jiu-jitsu because he's not good at it. My first thought was "Hell, I'm not good at it, either, but that's never stopped me!" My second thought was that I don't think many people are good at it when they first start. Sure, there are a few naturals who pick it up very fast (and I hate them, I hate them all!), and there are people who have backgrounds in things like wrestling, which translate over to jiu-jitsu well, but most people pretty much suck at first. If they're like me, they also continue to suck for a long time after they begin training.

Perhaps the fact that my friend is an experienced martial artist made him think that it would be easier for him to learn it than the average person. I believe there is some validity to that, as many years of training your body can be beneficial, and give you a strong foundation from which to grow. He already has a great understanding of body mechanics, balance, and other skills which some beginners have not yet fully grasped. However, having a black belt in other arts does not mean that jiu-jitsu will automatically come easily to you, it's a whole 'nother ball game.

I wonder how many other people have tried jiu-jitsu and enjoyed it, but quit because they didn't think they were any good. There is a reason it takes so long to get a black belt in jiu-jitsu, people! It's not something that the average person can master in a short amount of time. It usually takes years of dedicated training to achieve any sort of real proficiency. I would venture a guess that a lot of people who are now very skilled at it, were not that way when they first started. They figured out how to tame their ego, and put in the work necessary to improve.

It's easy to like something that you are good at, because every time you succeed you feel validated. That's why I like playing video games with my husband. I usually dominate him, and then I feel like the Goddess of Gaming. However, the first few times we play a new game he always beats me. I'm not any good at first, and it takes me awhile to pick things up, while he is a fast learner who usually grasps things quickly, but then he plateaus and my skill level surpasses his. If I had given up every time he easily beat me in the beginning, I would never have found out that I am, in fact, a superior gamer.

If you come into jiu-jitsu hoping that you will be good at it (and we all do) but find out that your skill is minimal at best, don't give up. Just because you suck now, that doesn't necessarily mean that you always will (unless you are me...but I digress). If you really enjoy it and put in the work, you will get better. You might even find that you end up being really good at it, if you just give yourself a chance. Even I might actually be good at it someday, but I will still love it either way.

Keep on Keepin' On

Lately I've been going through a crisis of confidence that led me to write Slowly but Surely on the Jiu-Jitsu Fighter blog. In that post I talked about my frustration with my grappling performance, but that is only a small part of the problem. I've been feeling inadequate on a larger scale, and I've questioned why I'm even writing this blog. I am an expert on nothing, and all I have to give are my thoughts.

Then I got an email in response to that post that has given me reason to keep fighting my insecurities. It was from one of our former jiu-jitsu students, and he told me that I had helped him to better understand his failures. By sharing my fears and flaws I helped him come to terms with his own. There is no better gift than to know that something I said has made a difference in someone's life. Now if he would only come back to class and continue the struggle with me.

So I plod on. Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it, but that's okay. A lot of people seem to see martial arts as a hobby, a part-time diversion from life. To me, it is life. As long as I still breathe I will pursue this quest, and I will keep sharing my thoughts along the way. My only hope is that I can continue to inspire in the same way others have inspired me.

I'll end with yet another great quote courtesy of Nok Su Kow...

"A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song."

- Maya Angelou