I Don't Care Anymore

As I was struggling to figure out how to handle it when new students don't listen to me in Jiu-Jitsu class, I sought guidance from a few different sources.  Each person gave me something different to think about, and all of their advice was helpful in some way.  One of them said I should just refuse to work with students who are rude to me, but that is difficult to do in a small school (especially without everyone wondering why, and I don't want to draw attention to it).  Another person gave me some tips on how to talk to these type of students.  They said if someone keeps insisting I'm not doing something right (when I know that I am), I should politely say something to the effect of  "Just do it like I say for right now."  Another person told me I need to shut down this kind of behavior right away, or else people will walk all over me.  Yeah, story of my life.

However, their advice didn't really seem to help me deal with the emotional toll.  All of the people I asked about the issue are pretty self-confident, so I don't think they have the same kind of problems.  Then after I blogged about it, someone who seemed to understand where I was coming from, someone from halfway around the world, left a response that changed the way I was looking at the situation.  The first part of Keith's comment dealt with the idea "If it is painful, do it more often", which is a concept I already understand and employ, but the second part really hit the right button:

"I'm similar to you, if someone asks me something, or if I have to explain something, I can become incoherent. So I try to watch what other people do to explain things on the fly, come up with what I should of said, and take opportunities to explain things....and quite often I still suck. but that's ok.

Not everyone has to respect you either, in fact, sometimes that's a good thing, keeps you on your toes. Even if it is frustrating. Its a good lesson in taking your ego out of it, and relying on your own sense of self and confidence, and be at peace with it."

After reading that comment I realized a big part of my problem is that while my ego is okay with me thinking that I suck, it doesn't like it when other people do.  The fact is, there will probably always be some disrespectful people who think I don't know anything, and I can't let that bother me.  I do have faith in my own abilities, and "I know what I know, if you know what I mean."  

I am a blue belt, and I know what I should at my level (or else my teacher would not have promoted me).  I'm not always right, and I make mistakes (but so does most everyone else).  I'm not a fast learner, and I have no problem taking direction from a junior who understands a technique better than I do (as long as they are polite about it).  I don't know the names of everything, and I can't always explain well (but I can execute).  I suck at teaching, and that might never change (but that's okay).

The white belts who don't think I know what I'm doing should ask themselves why a 43 year-old, 120 pound woman can submit most of the new students when we roll.  If they don't want to believe in me, or if they simply don't like me, I really don't care anymore.