Then the more I learned, the more I realized I didn't know. The path seemed to grow longer every day. The perspective I gained from experience made me understand just how far I had to go.
When I made it to blue belt, I started to feel a pressure to "prove" myself, which was mostly self-imposed, but also had to do with the fact that I began to be on the senior side of rotation, so I was required to assist white belts. After a few of them treated me as though I had nothing to offer, it only reinforced my own insecurity, along with the pressure to prove that I was worthy to wear my belt.
This led to Jiu-Jitsu becoming much less fun for me. Since I felt as though grappling was the only way that I could show I did have knowledge and skill, I put expectations on myself with every roll. Expectations which I most often did not live up to. I found that even when I did meet expectations, it didn't really change anything about how I felt, or how I was treated.
So I decided that to fully get my fun back in Jiu-Jitsu, I have to let go of all expectations, both those which I put on myself, and the ones I imagine others have for me. No more pressure, no more need to prove myself, no more negativity.
My new mindset allowed me to have a great time in Jiu-Jitsu class yesterday. I laughed at my mistakes, and I didn't even become frustrated and/or quit when towards the end of class during the king of the mat guard-passing, I pulled a calf muscle. I hurts quite a bit, but I can walk on it, so I think it's just a minor setback. I'm going to try to keep on the sunny side of life.
On that note, if you haven't seen this Simpsons BJJ reference yet, you should watch it...
"Crawl atop me and meet your doom!"