Yet, all of those terrible things are some of the reasons I keep doing it. The first time I competed in karate kumite, I thought I was going to pass out before the match started. I had full tunnel vision and auditory exclusion, and I couldn't stop shaking. Amazing, I still performed okay, and I even won. Every time I've competed since then it has gotten a little better. I used to start to panic about three weeks before a tournament, but now I've reduced that down to one or two days. I haven't been able to completely calm the nerves, but I feel like I have a degree of control over them now. I know not everyone may understand my rationale in repeatedly subjecting myself to something that I don't enjoy, that I don't have to do, and that I even pay for, but sometimes strong fear calls for strong measures. I choose to fight. My goal is to someday be able to walk into a competition ring and feel like I am at home, to be relaxed and comfortable enough to truly enjoy the process. When I can do that, I'll probably never feel the need to compete again, because I will have finally won.
Competing doesn't just help to make me a better fighter, it's also making me a stronger person. I am on a quest to conquer all the fears and flaws that stifle me. I will keep putting myself in what my mind perceives to be "harm's way" until it no longer frightens me. I just hope that happens sooner rather than later, because I don't know how much more of this competition crap my old body can take!
"I'd never seen the kata that you did at the tournament before, what's it called, 'Gina Holding Jackhammer'?" -E-Rock Sensei
"The true courage is in facing danger when you are afraid." -The Wizard of Oz